President Trump Vows to Give Up Denouncing Anti-Semitism for Lent

WASHINGTON, D.C. – In an executive order, which many are calling a clear violation of the separation of church and state, President Donald Trump declared he would give up the act of denouncing anti-Semitism for Lent.

“The touchy-feely Anne Frank Center may think I’m not tough on anti-Semitism, but I’m about to show those Jews what fighting hate really looks like,” Trump announced in a brief statement to the press. “Anyone can give up chocolate for Lent. Easy. What I plan to do is going to be very tough for this administration. Recently, I’ve felt like I could denounce a different act of anti-Semitism daily, but for the next 40 days I’ve chosen not to. As we get closer to Passover, I’m sure this will become a very difficult task, but I am doing it to prove my dedication to our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, the King of the Jews. And he really was, ask any rabbi, they’ll tell you.”

President Trump went on to explain how much he would like to speak out about the recent string of attacks against the Jewish community, if it were not in violation of his religious freedom.

High-ranking members of the administration, including Steve Bannon, Stephen Miller, and Jeff Sessions, were notably eager to join the President in his 40 day fast.

“I can’t imagine doing more to help the Jews,” Bannon noted with a glint of joy in his eye as he took credit for helping draft the latest executive order.

“Who says this Lent thing has to be 40 days—maybe if goes well, we’ll make it 80,” he added.

One element of the order that has drawn harsh criticism is the President’s call for the FBI to cease its investigations into anti-Semitic hate crimes, notably the recent vandalism at historic Jewish cemeteries and bomb threats made to Jewish Community Centers across the nation. When asked about this element of the order, Press Secretary Sean Spicer became notably hostile.

“No one is telling the FBI to cease investigations!” Spicer snapped “We’re simply asking them to dial it back and focus on God for once. If someone should spray-paint a swastika on a synagogue door, we ask that instead of launching an investigation, the FBI simply ask God for help.”

He went on to clarify that after the 40 day fasting period, the FBI could return to investigating any hate crimes they happened to remember, as they are not to log the crimes committed during Lent. 

An unnamed source close to both the administration and the church noted that Trump also intends to give up golden showers for the duration of Lent. He is noticeably more concerned about that.

Why You Really Shouldn’t Give A Shit About Mariah Carey’s New Year’s Performance

On New Years Eve, pop sensation Mariah Carey was the last to fall victim to the curse of 2016. Live on Ryan Seacrest’s Dick Clark’s Rockin’ New Years Mariah suffered the career embarrassment to end all career embarrassments. You can watch the clip below:

As truly embarrassing as this is for Mariah–who claims she was set up as part of a publicity stunt by Dick Clark Productions to boost ratings for what is probably the most-watched New Years Special– you should not give a shit about it. Here’s why…

You’re not Mariah Carey, and what on God’s green earth makes you think you are? Who are you, anyway? You have some gall to question the Goddess that is Mariah Carey. “Shit happens” as she said, but even the good shit you experience will be but a fraction of the best shit that Mariah enjoys on a daily basis. After all, she is Mariah and you are… who did you say you were? Steve?

But let’s not forget the most important reason that you shouldn’t give a shit about Mariah’s New Year’s performance…

DONALD TRUMP IS ABOUT TO BECOME THE GODDAMN PRESIDENT.

In almost two weeks, Donald Trump, the fucking “you’re fired” guy, is going to be the leader of the free world. And maybe you’ve been too upset about Mariah to notice that Mayor McCheese has stuffed his cabinet full of white supremacists and straight-up Nazis!

To make matters worse, Congressional Republicans just held a secret vote to gut the Office of Congressional Ethics, but then pulled the measure because the Supreme Leader essentially said “Woah, woah, not so fast guys! Let’s bury the lead a bit on ethics, take care of that in week two. We have to focus on OBAMACARE!”

WASHINGTON, DC – FEBRUARY 08: Singer-songwriter Mariah Carey performs onstage at BET Honors 2014 at Warner Theatre on February 8, 2014 in Washington, DC. (Photo by Kris Connor/BET/Getty Images for BET)

Speaking of which, if PRESIDENT TRUMP guts Obamacare, you’ll be begging for Mariah to fuck up as badly as she did on New Years because LAUGHTER IS THE ONLY MEDICINE YOU WILL BE ABLE TO AFFORD.

So maybe cut the queen some slack, kiddos! Because in six months your president will be lip syncing poorly to Putin’s greatest hits in order to avoid another Cold War.

–Kevin Cole

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Our Favorite Moments of 2016

2016 was hard for everyone, particularly those opposed to the rise of fascism and celebrity deaths. Here are some highlights to remind us that in every tire fire, there are one or two tires that have yet to burn.

Goslings’ Gooselings

Largely overshadowed by the Super Bowl, who could forget the moment when Ryan Gosling was followed home by a flock of baby geese. Marching down Los Feliz, single file, these hatchlings were quick to accept Ryan Gosling, a man with little to no bird like features, as their father. Even better, Ryan Gosling came to love these birds as his own, despite the fact that for him, fathering geese meant sharing a snifter of Brandy with them while watching Crazy Stupid Love on pay-per-view. He even mailed a baby Goose to Rachel McAdams who would in turn dump it on True Detective co-star Colin Ferrell.

The Little Engine That Did

It’s a frightening sight when a train derails, to make matters worse, fatalities are often high so it’s strange that no news outlets covered the derailment of the Amtrak 460 in rural Ohio. Perhaps the lack of coverage was due to the miraculous work of conductor Frank Tamlan who managed to rerail the commuter train after barreling into a corn field. Clint Eastwood praised him as a modern day Sully and quipped that he would have made a film about the rerailing (an event that lasted at least 45 minutes) had Tamlan not been wearing a Hillary Clinton lapel pin.

Cricket comes to America

For a week following the 2016 Olympic Games, cricket was the hottest sport in America and just a quickly as it came, it disappeared. No members of the now defunct American Cricket Committee were willing to explain what happened to the sport, making it more baffling that almost every American family now owns a cricket bat. It’s an anomaly we haven’t seen in the states since Croquet-mania took over in the mid sixties.

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Honestly, that’s it. This year was a hell scape, but the good news is that there’s no way 2017 could possibly worse! Haha, right!?

–Kevin Cole

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Christmas Song of the Week!

As the holiday season approaches, we at The Annual are dedicated to keeping you in Christmas spirit by highlighting a classic Christmas Tune every week. Here’s our second hit!

Paul McCartney’s Wonderful Christmas Time was released years before I was born, making it as timeless a classic as Rudolf The Red-nosed Reindeer, Frosty the Snowman, and Do They Know It’s Christmas Time At All? I’ve been listening to it my whole life and I can’t imagine a single Christmas without it.

As soon as Black Friday comes around, I start cranking up that sweet sweet synth. “Bow-bow-bow-bow/wowowowow, Bow-bow-bow-bow/wowowowow” a sound as festive as sleigh bells. It has been so engrained as a holiday tune that I’ll often hear other songs featuring bells and a synthesizer (Always Something There To Remind Me by Naked Eyes) and feel as if snow ought to be falling and I ought to be shopping.

Of course, the song rings true for my own childhood, as I was once a Christian child on Christmas eve, singing songs with all the other Christian children. It’s very likely that we practiced all year long, and if we didn’t, it at least felt like it as I was never a comfortable or confident singer. While McCartney didn’t quite trust his choir of children with anything more than onomatopoeia, it was true that the youngest of children’s choirs could scarcely be trusted with actual lyrics, something we made up for with our absurd cuteness. That said, the few lyrics the children’s choir did have were often memorized, a cut above the skills of the adult choir. So there!

This week, let us all gather ’round the hearth and sing that classic song! DING-DONG-DING-DONG-DING-DONG-DING! ooOOO! oooOOOOOOO! DO-DO! DO-DO! DO-DO-DO!

–Kevin Cole

Good Times – The Perfect Theme Song

Welcome to Good Times with Karli Cole! A show dedicated to bringing to good times to good people, SOOO GOOD! In our very first episode, Karli discovers that for everything the show has, it’s lacking the most important thing… A THEME SONG! So sit back and relax as we visit Thommy Tune and start makin’ music!

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Why I, Too, Will Be Boycotting The Mall of America This Xmas

This Christmas, many are calling for a total boycott of the famed Mall of America due to their decision to employ a Black Santa. I grew up with White Santa, but unlike many boycotters, I understand that Santa is merely a social construct.

However, I will not be shopping at The Mall of America this year, just as I have chosen not to do ever since I learned about this capitalist wonderland while watching Mary Kate and Ashley’s Mall Party as a child. I have chosen to boycott the mall on the sheer premise of practicality, you expect me to travel 15 hours to Minnesota to get my holiday shopping done? No thanks. At that rate, my relatives will be getting photographs of me sitting on Black Santa’s lap and nothing else from me. I can purchase more meaningful gifts by supporting small businesses like Amazon.com.

I will be extending this boycott to all malls. They’re simply too crowded during the holidays and mall managers seem content not to change that. I can barely stand to set foot in a mall at 10% capacity. Who can function in a crowded location with such an unclear flow of foot traffic. Wherever I stand, I’m in someone’s way it’s awful for my already low self-esteem. Call me a special snowflake but I will not be enjoying the artificial snowflakes at the Mall this year or any other.

Bless all of you who venture out to malls this holiday season, but I will be wrapped in a blanket on my sofa while the gift steadily trickle in, pre-wrapped, thanks to various internet vendors.

DISCLAIMER: I will void this boycott of Senator Al Franken is willing to meet me at the Mall of America so that we may shop together and become best pals.

–Kevin Cole

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Regarding the appointment of Ben Carson to Housing and Urban Development

I’ve been called out a few times thanks to Ben Carson’s recent cabinet appointment. This is largely due to Carson’s role in Great Again and the fact that his appointment means yet another thing I have predicted through the dark magic of theatre!

To be clear, I take no delight in my predictions coming true (I like to think of them as warnings, but now that they are actively happening, “prediction” is an equally accurate term).

In Great Again, a story which parallels a Trump Administration to the events of Thornton Wilder’s Our Town, Ben Carson serves as the Stage Manager, or for those who are unfamiliar with Our Town, the Narrator. He is also noted as the Director of Health and Human Services. If Carson were to get a position, this would have been the most logical.

In fact, Carson was offered this position but turned it down because he did not feel he was qualified to head up a government agency, something that apparently isn’t the job of a President. This was a fitting end to Carson’s legacy as a 2016 contender, had it actually been the end for Ben.

Ben Carson has been appointed to lead the department of Housing and Urban Development. Okay, fine. Of course he would have a position, but this one appointment meant that I somehow gave Donald Trump TOO MUCH CREDIT. I presumed that Donald Trump would give Ben Carson, the doctor, Health and Human Services. Instead, Donald Trump would appoint Ben Carson, the black guy, to Urban Development.

Did I somehow write a less-racist version of our President Elect? Did I somehow write A BRIGHTER version of our nation’s future? I’m afraid I’ve been forbidden from making predictions by those who love and care about me, so unfortunately these questions must go unanswered. Again, I apologize for the hell that I have wrought.

–Kevin Cole
Playwright, Great Again

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Ode to Castro

We begin this Annual week in a state of mourning following the loss of our beloved Fidel Castro. We say our because following his retirement, Fidel, or Papa Cass as we called him, reached out to us at The Annual, hoping to find an ally in the states. At first we said no, it would be unpatriotic to work with the retired dictator, but eventually we came around. This was largely thanks to the term “retired” and promise of a great many Cuban Pesos (something we failed to realize was worthless in the United States thanks to the countless embargos placed on cuban goods).

After we formed a partnership, Papa Cass really became a Father Figure to many Annual Staffers. Unable to visit in person, we spoke with Papa Cass many times via Skype and Facetime. I personally learned how to grow and maintain a beard from the man, and on more than one occasion he assembled the whole staff and taught us how to survive an assassination attempt. These assassination survival lessons were often given while the 80 year old former-leader was out of breath and filled with adrenaline, we never knew why, but it always seemed like the attempts were fresh in his memory.

One day, little Johnny needed a ride to his Ballet lessons and Papa Cass graciously ordered a cab and spoke to Johnny on the phone the whole way to make sure he had arrived safely. On a cold night in September of 2013 a harsh storm rolled in, I was alone, but Papa Cass called to tell me a bedtime story until I was fast asleep.

Supposedly he sent us gifts but claims they were all intercepted by “those damn capitalists at the border.” He made us swear never to reveal our relationship, largely because having a second family of ragtag comedy writers would hurt his real family in Cuba. Often he would send us joke, bad jokes. They weren’t particularly blue or off-color. They were just… dad jokes. We never published them and he seemed to like that about us, we weren’t afraid to censor him just as he wasn’t afraid to censor his dissenters. We had “spunky attitudes” as Papa Cass would say.

Rest in peace Papa Cass, we are truly sorry we couldn’t give you the viking funeral you fantasized about in so many laggy skype calls.

–Kevin Cole & David Luna

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The Definitive Guide for Surviving Thanksgiving In Trump’s America

Thanksgiving, the great American gathering. For decades, the politically minded have dreaded this post-election holiday which challenges them to reach across the aisle and deconstruct what it means to be American with their right-wing relatives. The discourse over mashed potatoes hasn’t been this divided since President Obama won a second term, and even then, the worst that most endured were rants about Obamacare and the coming death panels. Two years ago, those same relatives were calling victims of police brutality “thugs” and now they’re coming to the dinner table with a sense of supremacy (white supremacy).

It’s hard to understand how white supremacy could reign supreme at Thanksgiving (provided you ignore America’s history of massacring indigenous people and focus on the food alone). Afterall, white meat is the worst part of the bird. It’s dry, it’s bland, dark meat ought to reign supreme, I digress but keep this metaphor in your back pocket in case things get testy.

For those who choose not to opt out of tense family gatherings, survival will rely largely on prayer. Sure, prayer didn’t prevent a Trump presidency, but small miracles are still possible.

In the worst case scenario you may be celebrating at a conservative relative’s house, and that’s fine, remember, the house holds no political beliefs no matter how many Trump signs are in the front yard (and if you accidentally happen to hit one as you back out of the driveway, no one will mind, the election’s already over). As an aunt helps you with your coat and whispers “this is your first time in a Trump supporter’s house” don’t take the bait. This is the first step to proving your resilience. Smile and nod and don’t lose sight of the fact that Trump has been appointing white supremacists to his cabinet, the fact that you’re related to his supporters will not normalize the monstrous things he’s about to do. From here, navigate away from politics as quickly as humanly possible, for once it will be a blessing when relatives ask what you’re doing after high school/college, when will have a girlfriend, or what are you going to do with an art major. Breathe a sigh of relief that your lack of life choices is the chosen topic of conversation as opposed to dismissing sexual assault as locker room talk.

While killing time before dinner, remember that dogs are truly man’s best friend, as are cats, or in this instance anything incapable of forming a complete sentence. Human’s have been disregarding one another to play with pets and toddlers for centuries and that tradition isn’t about to stop. How cold is outside? 36 degrees? That’s just above freezing, perfect for fetch! Get to know your family member’s beloved pet and they’ll call you when the Turkey’s ready.

No matter how experienced your uncle may be, offer to carve the turkey. You are the best insurance that no one will slice a racial epithet into the side of a pheasant. Compliment every item of food, go in depth, remember to keep them talking about anything but the election. The most important thing is to stay strong. At times the conversation may veer into pop culture and no matter how much you think American Horror Story is trash TV, that opinion is far easier for some to stomach than the fact that we made Trash-TV our President-elect.

As coversations come to a lull, pray that someone brings up football. Sure, you’ve never watched the sport, but you’re desperate and fortunately in the home stretch. The name of the game for this last hour is distraction, like Mike Pence attending Hamilton except not like that because your cousin still can’t wrap his brain around a black George Washington. Stay calm, practice deep breaths and as soon as someone utters the phrase “radical Islam” quietly excuse yourself to use the bathroom, and jump out the second window to safety of the concrete driveway below.

Kevin Cole

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INTERNAL MEMO: Approved Terminology for Steve Bannon Coverage

Attention all Snailex Broadcast Inc. employees:

Following an incident during yesterday’s coverage of President-elect Trump’s administrative team, in which a reporter referred to Steve Bannon as “a fucking Nazi” on air, we have decided it best to review proper language for coverage of people in positions of power with a history of being rude to minorities.

Out of respect for the office of the president, we ask all reporters to refrain from using the following terms in reference to Steve Bannon:

• Racist
• Bigot
• Anti-Semite
• White Supremacist
• White Nationalist
• Race-baiting
• Infrequent bather
• A man who didn’t want his kids to go to school with Jewish children
• Herr Goebbels
• Some sort of monster facing abuse allegations
• A devil on Donald Trump’s very crowded shoulder

Below are the approved terms that you may use to refer to the President-Elect’s chief strategist:

• Breitbart Chairman
• Champion of the Alt-Right movement
• Semitically Challenged
• Controversial
• Supporter of white causes
• Fun loving guy
• War of Northern Aggression Enthusiast
• A man with black friends
• A white hot ray of sunshine
• Old fashioned
• A typical Trump supporter

Please pay careful attention what you say about the incoming administration or we may all be looking for work come February.

–Scott Michaelson
VP of News

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